I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
