Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
