she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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