Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
