Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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