I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
