We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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