god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
