you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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