I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
