Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
