you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
