everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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