my mouth tastes like poor choices
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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