i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
