You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
