arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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