hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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