Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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