Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
