So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
