she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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