I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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