just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
