I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
