The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
