I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
