I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
