I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
