Cold hands, warm shart.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
