I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
