Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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