watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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