I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.