and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine