Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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