I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
