I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
