At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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