i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
