I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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