And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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