glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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