i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
