I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
