so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
