Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
