Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
