dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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