About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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