My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
