I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
