My hand turned me down
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
