what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
