GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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